Meet AJ! | Our Birth Story | Video

Hello friends. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend. It just started snowing here making today a little more magical! Speaking of magical, I am back today sharing a new video introducing you to the newest member of our family and sharing his birth story. It was not traumatic or scary. It was simply one of the best moments of my life. It feels like yesterday when we locked eyes and met for the first time. After nine months of carrying him, I was just so overwhelmed when seeing him for the first time. He was simply perfect. Hope you enjoy! 

He is now 11 days new. Since we have been home he has done really well. He is surrounded in love by everyone in our family and within our circle of friends. I truly could not be happier. He is also already calling all the shots right now. He pretty much determines everything from when we eat and sleep...where we go...all of it is in his hands right now. We are just adapting our schedule to suit his. As we move on though this journey with him and the rest of the kids, I plan on taking you with us. I truly appreciate all the love and support you have shown him and my entire family over the years. Thank you guys for everything. It's time to cuddle our little baby boy and watch the snow come down. ♥ I'll see ya soon. xx

Stepping into this Next Season....

Hello friends. I hope you are having a great Sunday. Ryan and I have been laid up in bed most of the day watching football and just relaxing. It feels good being I am now 37 weeks and 6 days. This is such an exciting time for us. We have so much going on and there barely seems like there is enough time to get everything done. In a matter of 10 days we will have a new little baby boy to love and care for. It feels like we have been waiting forever to meet him. We have taken fall by a storm getting things ready for his arrival. There are still other things that I want to accomplish but it might not all happen within 10 days but that won't stop me from slowly checking items off my to do list. 

I don't know what it is about fall/winter babies but we have a bunch. It's the perfect time of the year to snuggle up a squishy soft newborn and just forget about everything else. Waking up to hold, cuddle and feed a baby with frost on the ground and snow falling. I love this new season even if it's freezing cold. Being home with my family has been so nice for me. I see this area completely different than what I did when I lived here before. Time away did good as well, but there is something special about being able to spend so much time with my loved ones. And now we have a new baby coming into the mix making our hearts grow even more. We have really prepared as much as possible for his arrival. I am hoping that in the days coming home from the hospital we can take some time to just bond and adjust as a new little family. Of course there will be many moments of the older kids and family coming to get to know their new family member. But I am really looking forward to the three of us sharing all the special moments in the first few days. 

A lot of the reason I have not been recording as many videos or writing blog posts is because my life is so much more full now. I am always spending time with someone I love. Very rarely am I alone. So in those alone moments, I just try to find simple ways to relax. A hot bath, a favorite show on Netflix or Amazon, enjoying a cup of tea and book. Just little things that help me relax if only for a few minutes. I don't mind the busier schedule. I actually love it. Life has certainly changed in a drastic kind of way, and its so much better than I ever thought it would be. 

I don't know what my schedule is going to be like after he is here. I am hoping to post more...make more videos and share with you guys more. I have truly missed you all. I didn't know what direction this blog should go after everything happened with Scott. But this has been such a happy place for me, its hard to imagine not having it. I have neglected it some but hopefully somehow, I will make more time to dedicate here. I want to share sweet family photos and updates, share more videos like how my schedule has changed yet again, what I am using to plan out that schedule on a daily basis. So much I want to share. Right now I am actually uploading a food haul on youtube that will be live on Monday. Monday's actually use to be when I would share a week in review with photos and most of the time a vlog from that week as well. It would be nice to get back to that point. I am glad I still have this space and community to continue to share with you. A while back, I deleted my facebook page. I really don't know why but it was one of those days when I was really considering stepping away for good. Clearly that didn't happen so I have made another page. You can find it and follow it right here. I know so many of you followed what was happening with blog posts and videos through that page. I'm sorry. I wish it could fix it but there is just no way. So I encourage you to follow the page so you get updates when browsing facebook. You can always follow on youtube and instagram as well. All are great ways of keeping up with our little family and journey. 

I already posted most of these photos on instagram but I know not everyone follows that way. Here are a few photos of our Thanksgiving with Ryans family. It was a really nice time. Lots of good food and good company. I hadn't seen some of them in many many years. It was nice catching up and watching all the kids play together. 

I have no idea why we didn't take photos with mom. I think we were just too busy eating and visiting with everyone that it totally slipped our minds. It was also a hard day on me physically and I just got tired super fast. However, here are a few of the photos that I did take over the past few days. 

My life seems to be changing just like the seasons. While spring and summer will always be my favorite times of the year, right now seems magical. I love seeing the twinkle lights driving through town. Just yesterday I saw three cars with Christmas trees tied to the top. I can't wait till we are taking our new little son out and about to cut down his first tree. It's truly going to be amazing seeing the world through his innocent eyes in the coming weeks, months and years. I hope you move out of fall and into this new blessed season with us. Thanks for stopping by. xx

Life & Pregnancy Update 35 weeks

Hello everyone. I hope you are having a great evening. Tonight I am finally sharing a new update. It's been a long time - actually I was 22 weeks pregnant in my last update and now I am 35 weeks. So yea...it's been a while. There are all kinds of reasons for me not posting or sharing videos but I am slowly trying to get back at it. Hope you enjoy. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. I hope you are having a wonderful week. I'll be back soon with more updates and more videos. xx

A Fresh Start

Hello friends :) It's been over 2 months since I have sat down at this keyboard and posted anything to this blog. I am not actually sure why except I needed the break. I still don't know how often I will be here sharing details of my life but I hope to come around more often and try to re-connect to not only this blog but to you guys as well. I really did love sharing here. Making videos became stressful but this blog has been such a love of mine for so many years now. After Scott, I just wasn't sure I should or could continue writing here. But after a lot of thought and prayer I decided to keep this space. This has been my journey shared here and some of the people who has shared in blog posts are no longer in my life for one reason or another. I think you will see though that true family is still around. And don't just think of family as blood. I have a full circle who has stuck around through it all. Just as many of you. This is and has been my little space for documenting my life. Not always exciting or happy but real....love it or hate it....take it or leave it. 

At this point I share less ( obviously ) and that is because not everything needs to be shared. A powerful lesson that I should have learned years ago. I am going to try to keep things more upbeat with maybe the occasional bitch fest in Tuesday Truths.:) I want to keep this blog from getting out of control like it once did. Divorce is never easy. I do cherish the good days we shared but I am never going to share again like I did during that period. In fact, some of those posts and videos are already gone. It wasn't some of my best moments. I overshared and I regret it. No one made me do it. I wore my heart on my sleeve and blogging during that time was a big outlet. Soooo many of you reached out to me with your own life journeys offering every kind of support you could. I appreciate it all but again, I regret sharing so much. 

As life has moved on, I find myself in a new relationship that I am more protective of. I have shared photos and little clips of our life on instagram but for the most part, I have kept offline. Its about learning lessons of the past. It was interesting the other night when Ryan and I went out with my mom and Don. Don pointed out that things are so different in terms of my attitude and happiness. It made me wonder how much Scott and I really didn't get along. The anger is gone. I am not the same person and I am thankful everyday that I don't live the same way now. The stress is so much less than it was before. And guess what!? I am dealing with a lot more now. So as life moves on, we will see where it goes. I don't pretend to know the future. Anything can happen at any time but I feel confident that the future is filled with love and happiness and that's all I can ask for. 

I have been so much busier during this stage of my life. I was working for a long bit and actually found a job that was nice and easy and rather enjoyable. That took up a lot of time and it was really hard to balance my time. I never thought there were enough hours in the day. I still don't. I still have trouble balancing my time. But I am not working at the moment so there is a little more time. I am on the couch and in the bed more than ever. It's very hard being on bedrest when there is so much to get done. But I am being very careful and whenever I get tired I lay down. I get out a very little bit but again, it's done at such small intervals. To be expecting at this age, is hard and painful to tell the truth but I don't regret it at all. I am beyond excited. Ryan is over the moon happy and our family will surround this new addition in love and kindness. I have no doubts. This little boy is loved so much now and none of us has met him yet! I will try to get a pregnancy update filmed sometime soon. It doesn't take much effort to sit and talk so I think I will be safe filming. And I would like to catch up. At this point I am 32 weeks and I am praying that he stays put for a while longer. Again, I am just trying to be careful and trusting in God. 

 I didn't plan all the different things that has happened when I started blogging, and these feelings of vulnerability, grief, heartache, and fear that have been so strong since Scott dying.  Honestly they've kept me from typing like this and sharing online over and over again. But it doesn't go away, the need to share. I'm going to try harder to type more as I've promised so many times in the past. I'm going to try to take more pictures, to share more favorites, to cook more. I'm also going to hope more, and to simply be brave. Not because I expect to make any great difference moving forward or because you need me or my writings at all, but because I need you... now more than ever. You have been my village for a very long time and I couldn't be more grateful for everything you have helped us get through. This is not a space for judgement, ridicule and meanness. This is my little spot and I will not let it be abused like that. It's my hope that you will continue this journey with me and somehow find some inspiration and joy from the posts to come. I want you to be active in this blog. Leave your comments. Let me know your thoughts....lets lift each other up.  

Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far, and again, please excuse the rambly posts from here on out:) I love you guys. Have a great week. And please come back....there will be more. 

Catching Up....4 Videos in one Post! :)

Hi friends! Boy it has really been a while since I have posted anything here on this blog. I'm sorry for that. So much has gone on....and I always feel limited on time. So tonight I am sharing 4 videos in one post. Two pregnancy updates, a video looking back over this past year and even a food haul. I thought that this would be the simplest way to catch up this blog of mine so I can start posting more current videos. So here, you go! Most recent from the top down. Hope you enjoy!

Chit Chat Vlog | Catching Up |

Hello everyone. I have been so off schedule here lately. I really can't explain it. But I had a lot I wanted to chat with you guys about....so here we go! Hope you enjoy. 

I hope this video clears a few things up and lets you guys know that everything is fine. I am slowly starting to catch up and hopefully I can get more videos out soon. ♥ Have a beautiful night.

Reality Check...

Happy weekend friends! It feels like it's been forever since I have sat down at my computer and just escaped into just writing...writing what I am experiencing, feeling, doing. I have been looking around at the craziness of life lately and starting to understand that I just have to roll with the busy days. Roll with the slow days when naps are all I seem to fit in on the schedule. Life has changed so much this past year, this past month and even this past month. I have come to accept that plans change sometimes and it's better to go into everything with as much as a positive attitude as possible. 

Every once in a while I get to a point where I simply lack motivation for getting things done. I don't know what really causes it but I know for me, how I feel has a lot to do with life stresses. Since the very beginning of my pregnancy, I have felt anxious, tired, emotional and even stressed at what the future holds. I am beyond excited but still worried. I have let negative energy take over on certain days and let it strip me of all happiness. Which also leads to the lack of motivation I have been feeling. It's difficult to read, hear negativity and not let it affect your life. I cannot help to delete comments and negativity when it shows up on instagram, facebook and in some of my youtube comments. While I understand sharing on youtube gives certain people the ability to judge and spread hate, I have enjoyed it over all. Youtube and this blog has been such a supportive community, but there are days when I know I must pull back. Things will never stop coming at me or my family, so we have to guard our private time more than ever. I have realized that just sharing some of my favorite moments on my private facebook page is better than sharing it with the world only to be judged by people who are not friends. Ryan has even locked down his facebook because of drama and speculation on his life...our life. It's sad that it has come to this but there really is no room in our lives for negativity, for drama, for hate. 

Since quitting my job and being home I have really been trying to  take it slow, but things just seem to come out of nowhere and fill up my days anyways. I have been spending more and more time with Laura and the little kids. Our teenagers seem to always be busy and not wanting to hang out with their parents and family. It's hard to accept at times but as long as they know I love them...and they are happy, thats all that truly matters. Right now the little kids find everything intriguing and inspiring. Fun and new. And Ryan and I have been spending a lot of quality of time together and that doesn't always happen on the busy days. So I am grateful for the days when I am going on a bit of a slower schedule. Actually, I haven't been on much of a schedule at all. I have actually been kinda lost on random days. That's what actually brings me to this post.

I have been slowing down on what I share. On this blog, youtube, instagram. For instance the other day I was at the doctors office and just got one photo in because my DR came in so fast and did everything so fast that I didn't get to film it or get many photos. So I share a picture from the office laying on table, a picture from the first time I heard the heartbeat and a belly shot of another person who is about the same size as I am that was a stock photo. Well you would have thought I committed a crime posting that photo when all I really wanted to do was let everyone know how well the appointment went. I went on and took it down because I just felt like it was bringing too much negativity. I don't think any of us should have to delete things to make ourselves or others feel better but sadly its the case sometimes. I have tons of vlogging footage that I would love to share but I am just keeping it to myself until I feel comfortable sharing again. I do plan on still making videos and hopefully get back on track with this blog but with caution. I have to protect my family. They are the most important part of my life and don't deserve to be dragged through the mud. Enough is enough. Know that I am actively moderating comments here and will only allow those that are kind and understanding. Constructive criticism of my blog and videos is of course allowed and encouraged but negative comments with no purpose other than to spread hate and pain will be not be approved. And these changes are starting to happen now. 

Everything has slowed down and almost stopped in some regards. I have fallen off routines and schedules. I haven't been using my planner as much. I have found myself struggling to just keep up with normal household duties. I am really trying to focus on getting back on track. I have seen too many times what depression and anxiety can do and it's not easy to climb out of. I am going to keep focusing on what really matters and share only what I am comfortable with. This will of course lead to speculation about my health, my family, my relationships but it is what it is. And while I find my motivation and focus there are going to be days when the house is not picked up. When the laundry is not done and I am not less than for not accomplishing those goals and tasks. I am going to keep doing the best I can. I am not going to make promises about posting schedules and things I have figured out. I simply don't have that much planned out. I am content not knowing what each day holds at this moment in time. I have been enjoying being off work but that can't and won't last forever. I actually enjoyed being out with the people in my community and actually miss it some days. But right now, running through the forest with my grandchildren, enjoying evenings with Ryan and listening to my teenagers on the phone ramble on are some of the best moments that fill my heart with love. 

I don't have my shit together every single day and I am not going to pretend. Life can be a real struggle but at the same time so rewarding. I am just hoping to find balance within all of it. There are so many things I want to get done. So many changes I want to make to all areas of my life. I will share when I can, when I feel comfortable. And for those of you who are still around, I love you. Thank you for taking this journey with me. And for those of you who are new, hang around and check things out. :) Hopefully, I will get my crazy life under control where I have more time and energy to share. 

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.  I can’t wait to see where this path takes me next.  

Life & Blog Update

Hello friends. It's been such a long time since I have been on here...chatting with you all. I thought tonight would be perfect for giving you a family update. I was going to post it through a Tuesday Truths blog post but I decided to just sit down and start typing with no real direction. So much has happened since the last time I have been on here. I don't even know where to start. 

Scott is gone. I don't have the words to express everything I feel regarding that situation but he did make an impact on many lives including my own. If you haven't checked out the video about it, you can click right here to check it out. I will be picking up his ashes very soon and I have no idea what I am going to do with them. Laura and I might do something special with them or I might just hold on to them for a while until we decide. Life is so different now. I was just starting to really get on my feet when he passed away. Ryan and I had suffered another loss at that point when I miscarried our baby. Another heartbreaking moment for me. I don't think anyone will ever realize how painful that was for me. I still think of that baby everyday. Let me just say, January was one of the hardest months of my life. However, I was not ready to give up. I am still not ready to give up.  I am pushing forward and moving into a direction of a new life with new goals and hopes for the future. I am ready to move forward with more faith and less fear. 

I  am in a committed relationship with Ryan. I hope to go into our history a little more sometime soon. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I believe he is here to help me heal, to grow, to make me smile and laugh. To bring some joy to our home. I really didn't think I would be in a full blown relationship so soon but he has helped mend my broken heart. But even more than him it's the kids that have really kept me going. They need me more than ever now. And I need them. All the kids in my life bring such special meaning. I am a better person because of them. And I am so proud that we have all made it through some really tough times and we are still standing together. I don't think God has invented the person to stand in between us. We are a family. We will always be a family. They are the reason I strive to be a better person. They are the only ones who truly hold me accountable and for that alone I am grateful. 

For months I have been without a computer and internet. Part of me really enjoyed it. At that time, haters were going strong making it easy to stay away. However, its been you guys via facebook and instagram that has powered me on and gave me the courage to get back on here and share my life. I have done it for so long. So many different stages of my life have been not only written about but documented through video and I have loved it so much. I have made some life long friends and have had more support than I ever could have asked for. So here I am. New laptop...internet is finally hooked up and I am ready. I am ready to share with you again. You guys have been such a huge part of my life and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss. Because I have. I have forced myself to stay away from the gossip sites. It has taken YEARS to get to the point where I just don't care what they say. They really have no impact on my life at this point. And that goes for some other people as well. There have been so many changes in regards to my family this year. Scott's family is no longer my family. While that is sad and heartbreaking at times, it's made me realize how important my own family is. I have amazing women that surround me. I might have lost a few but I gained many more through the trials and tribulations of my more recent life. They have kept me going on days when it's been unbearable. They have been there to share not only in the troubles but also in the good times. Even though so much has happened, I am truly blessed. 

I am going to pull out the camera and start vlogging and making videos again. I don't know how well it will go at first. I have been trying to decide what I am willing to share. I just don't want to share every single detail of my life anymore. But don't let that scare you off.  I have less time now than I did before because I am working but I plan on throwing myself right back into youtube and this blog. Speaking of the blog....I have a new design that I plan on working on in the very near future. I think a face lift would be nice. I am just trying to make a fresh start. However, all my old videos and blog post will remain up. They are a part of my life and I think it will be nice to have them to look back on from time to time. 

So we will move on into the future together. This blog use to be my home away from home. A place where you could get lost for hours. I want to get back to that. And I hope you guys want it to. Have a beautiful and blessed Wednesday. I'll be vlogging through my day! Thank you guys for being so kind and supportive all these years. I love you guys. ♥♥♥

Growth & Change

Hi everyone. It's been a long while since we were together. It's been almost a month and a half since I have been here on this blog. So much has happened. So much has changed. First off there are a few updates on my youtube channel plus a little food haul that you can check out if you haven't already. Subscribe while you are there as well! ;)

I don't really even know where to start. At this point I am fully divorced. It certainly happened fast. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. I think anger carried me through that process. I still think that he single handedly destroyed our family without a second thought. I found out that I am stronger than I thought I was. I am doing just fine. And I am actually happier without all the drama and problems that came with being married to him. I really don't want him, my divorce, our past and or present issues to be in the forefront of everything. Its been over a month since I have opened this laptop. I have thought a hundred times how I wanted to handle my blog...youtube...all the social media. Well, I love this blog. I always have. Unlike my ex husband is has never left or hurt me. It's been a place of peace and pleasure both. I am not giving it up. I thought I would remove everything with him in but thinking about it now, its more of a public service to any woman that happens to google him. Maybe it will help/save someone else from the pain I have went through.

Through the pain, there has been a few shining lights helping lead the way for me. My best friend Shanna, my first love, Russell, my kids, my cousins, Laura, my mom have all been there for me. They have helped me figure out so many things. Life hasn't been all gloomy and sad because of them. They all have been amazing. But as I have been trying to figure out this new transition, my grandmother's health went down super fast and we lost her just a couple days ago. I honestly thought she might get better. Tomorrow is the viewing and while it will probably be one of the hardest days of my life I plan on standing strong and honoring her life. Our family will miss her so much. She was one of my best friends. We use to talk 4 or 5 times a day until she got sick. Then it all changed. But she is one of the reasons I came home as well. I just thought we would all have more time with her. Its truly heart breaking.


So a divorce and a death for me this month. While laying in bed crying seems like a reasonable thing to do, life isn't allowing that. I have so much going on. There is so much I want to share with you. Thank you to everyone that has stuck by me and not given up. Things are going in a new direction and I am excited about the future. I truly am. I haven't acted the best. I am upset by the constant bullshit of my sister in law. Not even Scott. But I think it reflects on who she is. I need to work on myself. Ask forgiveness for the mean thoughts and words I have spoken against that family and pray for them. I am done giving them any kind of power over me. Life is so much better; that my focus needs to be only moving forward. I have taken lots of deep breaths, trying to center myself and see things in a different way. I am angry at the entire planned out act of betrayal from Scott and her included. And that anger has gotten me pretty far in this divorce process. But now it's time to climb the mountain instead of carry the mountain. I need to let it all go and focus on all the good still in my life. All the blessings that have been sent my way. All the love given to me from family and friends.

As for youtube, I am keeping all the videos up and I hope to get back on schedule sometime in the very near future. I don't know exactly what direction it will go in but I think it will just be a hodgepodge of videos from vlogs, hauls, reviews, planner videos... just random stuff that I do.

I have a bunch of things coming up....

:: Get through Grandma's Service these next few days.
:: Find an apartment. I am currently living out in the country in a large RV. Grateful but ready to find a little apartment or house.
:: Apply for other jobs in area. Want to find a better job with better insurance.
:: Bath Gabby
:: Start working on reviews. Need to take lots of photos and just do it.
:: Clean up files on this laptop.
:: Take kids on a picnic sometime over the weekend.
:: Call about SUV I'm interested in. Who knows...I might just be able to make it happen. But I also have to take a drivers test to get my license back. Study...study...study.
:: Make a video really soon and get it uploaded. I think it will just be another update kind of video. However, I also want to film a planner update soon too.
:: Buy some kind of plant for the RV. It needs some plants around here.
:: Continue evening walks with Russell. They are great for clearing the mind and relaxing.
:: Order new fitbit charger. I have no idea where mine went...and I am going crazy without it. All those steps NOT COUNTED. Grrrrrrrrrrr!
:: Buy new phone. I dropped and shattered my phone. Its working but barely. This time I will get the case that will help protect it. Lesson learned.
:: Drink more water. Something I suck at.
:: Finally upload photos from all phones to laptop. Start working on a vlog.
:: Get to PO Box and check mail.
:: Do a load of laundry...towels.
:: Flat iron hair tonight so it's easier in the morning.

I know this post has been long. There are a ton of questions I know you guys want answered. I will start working on a blog post answering the more basic ones and then maybe do a video later. Thankyou guys for coming back...being patient with me. Your support has meant so much. There have been so many emails, comments, messages that I will never be able to respond to. I have really tried but at this point we are starting fresh. I don't want to feel overwhelmed. So even with all the hard things going on this September, we are moving forward. There is no other way. I am growing everyday from all these experiences. Even the hardest of times are teaching me the strongest lessons. Life is beautiful. I need to start honoring it more. And getting rid of the negative is a good start. I love new beginnings....fresh starts.....new weeks. So here I go and I hope you come with me.I love you guys. Thanks for stopping by. I promise to see you soon. xx

Helloooooooo! Catching up + Video(s)

Hello friends! I know it's been a while. So much has been going on and I just haven't had the time or even the internet to give you guys updates. So here I am tonight...at work. It's slow and I have the laptop open waiting on customers to come have dinner. :)

I am finally moved out of the house. It's been a long time coming. Scott kept trying to tell me that I was going to be evicted...those papers never arrived. But I still couldn't manage the bills there and I just didn't want to be in that house anymore anyway. I am moved out to the country where nature has been helping heal me. And when I say that... I don't mean I am really broken because I am not. But divorce is never easy. I am thankful he is gone. I am thankful for a fresh start. I am thankful for old and new friends. I am thankful for family. But it's still been hard at times. Giving up the animals, not being with the kids, the lies he tells is hard. But I am also thankful that I haven't been alone in this new single life journey. I have had someone very special to me around. It's a rebound relationship? I think not. I have loved him since we were just kids riding bikes. I think we have more in common that not. He feels like home to me in every way. Some of you have expressed that you didn't like it but I am 40 years old and no one decides who is in my bed. It feels right. It just does and I am not hiding it or making excuses for it. 

We have done so much together already. He loves the woods as much as I do so we are hiking a lot....cloud watching...laughing. We have known each other for so long but it's like getting reacquainted with a old friend. I laugh more because of him. I smile more because of him....and I try to listen to what he says a little more than what I normally would do. It's a little bit different but I trust him and I trust what he says to me. He's the opposite of Scott...he's quiet and soft spoken. He's not about arguing or confrontation. He's gentle. And he does a lot of stuff that I am not use to...like shopping with me. Do you have any idea how often I begged Scott to go shopping? It's just different. A better kind of different. :) He also helps with making dinner and I absolutely find him so sexy in the kitchen. But still things are going slow and we are just starting to really spend a lot of time together. 

The kids are doing great. It's been hard not being with them day after day but they both understand that right now I have a lot on my plate. They do too with school back in. Brittany has cheer and Jackson has soccer. It's just a super busy time of year. I am slowly starting to get a new rhythm to my life. Soon I will be back at it with the videos and blog post. However, having a camera in my face and everyone else's is not exactly what I want to be doing. I love sharing with you guys but until I am truly on my feet, with my schedule really figured out.....I have to slow down. I have to focus on so much right now. I ended up leaving a lot of stuff at the house. Old planners. Photos. I didn't have a ton of help to move it. I didn't want to pay for storage and I just thought it was better to let Scott have all that stuff. I can start over. All I need is a bed and tv to start out with...and work on everything else as I go. It's just wasn't worth it to me. I didn't want to see the stuff we used when we were together. I am not in a good place with Scott. I think he is the lowest of the low. And even though I am happy he is gone....that does not excuse any of his behavior. But it wouldn't be Scott if there wasn't some kind of drama. It's to be expected. 

I have been pretty behind with this blog. Since the last time we have spoke, I put up a couple new videos...here they are in case you missed them. ↓

With both of those videos and this blog post, you should be pretty well caught up. I am still trying to get adjusted to this new way of life....that's for sure! But I wake up happy in the mornings. I wake up with a sense of purpose. I know I have a long way to go...but I am moving forward. I am moving forward with amazing kids, a sexy old friend who I have found so much comfort in and a new life. I am going to continue to trust that God has a plan for me. Trust that I can actually do this. Trust in a person who I have always loved and missed. Trust that my kids will be ok. Because I am so blessed with family and friends who really love me. That's what matters. With both their and YOUR love and support, I have been lifted up. You guys mean the world to me and I love you all. Truly. I wish I could get back to all your comments and emails but that's just not possible at this moment. I do read each one and I can't express how much they mean to me. Soon I will be recording a new question and answer video because there are so many questions. Feel free to leave your questions on any video or this blog post....and I will have an instagram photo in a few days that you can also leave your questions on!

Have a beautiful and blessed night. I'll talk to you soon!  xx

DITL VLOG:Getting Back on my Feet + More

Hello friends! I hope you are getting along great with your night/morning. I am back today sharing a couple new video with you. This first one is the most recent day in the life vlog that just went live yesterday evening on youtube. I have really missed you guys and I thought one of the best things I could do for myself is get back to normal in every way as quickly as possible. 

It's been easier than expected getting through this. I thought it would be hard but each day life gets easier and better. I don't care if I lost every single possession.....I am still happier without my soon to be ex. Incase you don't know why he is going to soon be my ex, I also posted this video sharing my thoughts on everything regarding the divorce. 

Thank you guys for being so loving and supportive. I don't know what I do without you. I will be continuing to make videos and hopefully get back to a routine soon. Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed week. xx

Life Update....Getting Divorced.

Hello friends. I know many of you have been wanting an update so here I am. Scott and I have been together for a long time. We made tons of great memories. We had tons of laughs.  We tried to make each other happy. But somehow along the way, we both started pulling away from each other instead of coming together and working on what was wrong. And believe me.....we both had our faults. Faults that ended up scaring the other person more than once. I think we both wanted a divorce but honestly, I was too scared to admit it. I was scared to loose my family....I wanted to fight to make things better. But God has other plans I suspect. 

And then one final fight ends it all. Things said can't be taken back. Action can't be taken back. And now we both are at a very difficult spot where I feel vulnerable, scared, angry. All normal feelings under such circumstances. And now honestly, I am left here alone to pick up the pieces of what is left. Not surprising but more than I can really handle alone. I feel set up and used....lied to and abandoned. But I already know that in time these feelings will pass. I know that in no time my broken heart and broken spirit will be healed. 

I am not sure what I am going to do with this blog. I might leave it the way it is and just go with things. I might delete photos and videos of Scott. I have no idea. I am in the middle of giving my animals away and trying to figure out what I truly want out of this house. Really I just want to grab a bag and walk out without ever looking back. But family and friends think that is crazy so maybe a few things from this house will end up in the next place I live. I really could care less at this point. But thankfully I have people around me who do care. Who are looking out for my best interest including my kids. Jackson and I were talking the other night and he made me promise to never get back with Scott for what he has done to us and our family. My daughter has been an angel through everything. I understand how the kids feel. I truly do. We are loosing everything and someone we loved used an argument as an excuse to leave. In reality I think he has had it planned out for a while which is fine. It just shocked me. 

There was a point when I was crying and begging...threatening...doing anything I could to get him to walk back through the door. I have poor communication skills to say the least. I have never been good at expressing how I feel. I am still kinda in shock but I am doing ok. I am still here. I am still trying to go on regardless a man walking out. I am trying to surround myself with people who truly love me and want the best for me. Clearly that person wasn't Scott. Clearly Scott was not the love of my life. And it's past time I get him out of my head. He has been a security blanket for me for years. Not a companion that I could trust. I was told I was verbally abusive to him. I probably was. He was no easy person to live with. He has demons of his own which made our life hard and complicated. I guess it was just too much. 

And now at this point, we are being kicked out of this house. Perfect huh? Is it scary, YES. Is it sad. YES. It is ever going to be the same again. NO.  I am beyond sad at this point. I never really wanted a divorce. I wanted to fight for my marriage and family but I can't do this alone. And if I am the only one really wanting things to get better, it still won't work. I don't think there is any hope at this point for Scott and myself. I think our only hope is to move on in our different directions and try to find the happiness we both are looking for....and never found in each other. I am not sure why it hurts so badly. I did love him. I still do but after everything he has done to me, our family, our animals.  None of them deserved this. There was no respect for the other lives in our family. And now I am left to figure it out all alone. Thanks Scott. We are his 4th disposable family. Scott tends to throw family's away when he gets tired of them. I just thought we would make it. I don't run when it gets hard. I don't call the police. I don't file papers in the court. I am just not that kind of person and I never thought I married that kind of person either. 

And if all of that is not enough....I have his family, writing cryptic blog posts shaming myself and Scott's older daughter. ( and by the way, that was his first disposable family. ) If I really told you half the stuff he has done, you guys would be shocked. Yet we are the ones to blame. I honestly can't figure out for the life of me why anyone would put their nose in someone else's divorce. And they are not even happy with their own miserable self and marriage. It's great. But people with big mouths and big attitudes don't know how to stay out of other people's business. It's people like her who have enabled Scott to do wrong for years and more importantly wrong right now. She doesn't know how to keep a marriage together anyway....so I am sure she is out singing his greatest praise being the little sister enabler. 

So with all of that said, I am going to try...I mean really try to move on with my life. Close this chapter with a man who clearly never loved me or this family. I hope to find love again one day. I hope to find happiness again one day and I hope to learn to be a better mom. The kids are the ones that are truly keeping me going. Without them I would be so lost. Actually, I am still lost. I am lonely. I am hurt. I can't believe someone who I loved and forgiven for so many years would stoop so low and leave me in the position I am in. I guess when people show you who they are....believe them.