Reality Check...

Happy weekend friends! It feels like it's been forever since I have sat down at my computer and just escaped into just writing...writing what I am experiencing, feeling, doing. I have been looking around at the craziness of life lately and starting to understand that I just have to roll with the busy days. Roll with the slow days when naps are all I seem to fit in on the schedule. Life has changed so much this past year, this past month and even this past month. I have come to accept that plans change sometimes and it's better to go into everything with as much as a positive attitude as possible. 

Every once in a while I get to a point where I simply lack motivation for getting things done. I don't know what really causes it but I know for me, how I feel has a lot to do with life stresses. Since the very beginning of my pregnancy, I have felt anxious, tired, emotional and even stressed at what the future holds. I am beyond excited but still worried. I have let negative energy take over on certain days and let it strip me of all happiness. Which also leads to the lack of motivation I have been feeling. It's difficult to read, hear negativity and not let it affect your life. I cannot help to delete comments and negativity when it shows up on instagram, facebook and in some of my youtube comments. While I understand sharing on youtube gives certain people the ability to judge and spread hate, I have enjoyed it over all. Youtube and this blog has been such a supportive community, but there are days when I know I must pull back. Things will never stop coming at me or my family, so we have to guard our private time more than ever. I have realized that just sharing some of my favorite moments on my private facebook page is better than sharing it with the world only to be judged by people who are not friends. Ryan has even locked down his facebook because of drama and speculation on his life...our life. It's sad that it has come to this but there really is no room in our lives for negativity, for drama, for hate. 

Since quitting my job and being home I have really been trying to  take it slow, but things just seem to come out of nowhere and fill up my days anyways. I have been spending more and more time with Laura and the little kids. Our teenagers seem to always be busy and not wanting to hang out with their parents and family. It's hard to accept at times but as long as they know I love them...and they are happy, thats all that truly matters. Right now the little kids find everything intriguing and inspiring. Fun and new. And Ryan and I have been spending a lot of quality of time together and that doesn't always happen on the busy days. So I am grateful for the days when I am going on a bit of a slower schedule. Actually, I haven't been on much of a schedule at all. I have actually been kinda lost on random days. That's what actually brings me to this post.

I have been slowing down on what I share. On this blog, youtube, instagram. For instance the other day I was at the doctors office and just got one photo in because my DR came in so fast and did everything so fast that I didn't get to film it or get many photos. So I share a picture from the office laying on table, a picture from the first time I heard the heartbeat and a belly shot of another person who is about the same size as I am that was a stock photo. Well you would have thought I committed a crime posting that photo when all I really wanted to do was let everyone know how well the appointment went. I went on and took it down because I just felt like it was bringing too much negativity. I don't think any of us should have to delete things to make ourselves or others feel better but sadly its the case sometimes. I have tons of vlogging footage that I would love to share but I am just keeping it to myself until I feel comfortable sharing again. I do plan on still making videos and hopefully get back on track with this blog but with caution. I have to protect my family. They are the most important part of my life and don't deserve to be dragged through the mud. Enough is enough. Know that I am actively moderating comments here and will only allow those that are kind and understanding. Constructive criticism of my blog and videos is of course allowed and encouraged but negative comments with no purpose other than to spread hate and pain will be not be approved. And these changes are starting to happen now. 

Everything has slowed down and almost stopped in some regards. I have fallen off routines and schedules. I haven't been using my planner as much. I have found myself struggling to just keep up with normal household duties. I am really trying to focus on getting back on track. I have seen too many times what depression and anxiety can do and it's not easy to climb out of. I am going to keep focusing on what really matters and share only what I am comfortable with. This will of course lead to speculation about my health, my family, my relationships but it is what it is. And while I find my motivation and focus there are going to be days when the house is not picked up. When the laundry is not done and I am not less than for not accomplishing those goals and tasks. I am going to keep doing the best I can. I am not going to make promises about posting schedules and things I have figured out. I simply don't have that much planned out. I am content not knowing what each day holds at this moment in time. I have been enjoying being off work but that can't and won't last forever. I actually enjoyed being out with the people in my community and actually miss it some days. But right now, running through the forest with my grandchildren, enjoying evenings with Ryan and listening to my teenagers on the phone ramble on are some of the best moments that fill my heart with love. 

I don't have my shit together every single day and I am not going to pretend. Life can be a real struggle but at the same time so rewarding. I am just hoping to find balance within all of it. There are so many things I want to get done. So many changes I want to make to all areas of my life. I will share when I can, when I feel comfortable. And for those of you who are still around, I love you. Thank you for taking this journey with me. And for those of you who are new, hang around and check things out. :) Hopefully, I will get my crazy life under control where I have more time and energy to share. 

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me.  I can’t wait to see where this path takes me next.