So this week for our married life post, is a question I received last week.. I will sum it up pretty much for you.. They basically wanted to know if there is a difference between living together and getting married. It was a female reader who is living with her boyfriend pretty much point blank told me that there can't be a big difference between a boyfriend and a husband. That got me thinking, writing, researching and here is what I have come up with.
First let me preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to be an expert on marriage. My husband and I have been married a little under four years ( yes we had to redue our vows but the first time was about 4 years ago ) and we’re still learning a lot of things about being married. If you want expert advice, talk to someone who’s been at this for decades (and let me listen in). I can only share what I’ve learned so far.
Couples who live together often wind up happily married for the rest of their lives. My husband and I lived together for years before we were married. And that didn't make getting married any less exciting or important in our lives than if we hadn't lived together
When you live together without being married for many years, you may feel married, but you're not. Certainly you're not entitled to the legal rights and protections that a married couple has. One of you could become sick and the other one may not be able to take care of their affairs or even visit them in intensive care in the hospital. Relatives can step in and claim that they, the blood relatives, have the right to decide how your loved one will be cared for.
Socially, you will never be accepted in exactly the same way that a married couple will be. Your "living together" status will come up over and over again, and will constantly be something you will have to explain. Being 40 or 65 and introducing your boyfriend or "significant other" can be awkward.
Marriage, however you view it, is all about commitment. It's about consciously and definitively linking your life to another adult's. When you're living together, you don't have that same level of commitment. I'm not bashing anyone who lives together, trust me - living together comes with its own level of commitment. However, when you just live together, there's a (spoken or not) that exists allowing either partner to excuse themselves from the relationship without a lot of messy legal and domestic related issues. If you live together, you generally keep a fair-minded list of whose things are whose.
Marriage blends lives. It blends lifestyles. It unites goals. It unites dependencies. It unites joint activities. Even individual activities become a part of the overall whole. This can take some serious adjustment if you are not aware of it as it happens. If you do not make the adjustments, you may find yourself living a parallel life with your spouse.
That said, though, for me it is a little bit different--I am so insanely glad that this person is now my husband. When I stop and actually think about that, it just makes me really happy. I think it makes us work harder at our relationship; it makes us a little kinder to each other--we are in this for the long haul, officially. So: no real changes, but there is a little undercurrent of joy that we took this big step and now get to plan all of our future adventures, together
According to a new report being issued today by the government’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, , 51 percent according to the CDC data — who do move in together wind up married within three years. . About two-thirds of cohabiters get married within five years.
The report, "Marriage and Cohabitation in the United States," shows that more people than ever are living together without being married. And, it also shows that marriage itself is doing just fine, thanks. The study also shows that there is no longer a meaningful divorce gap between those who live together first and those who didn’t.
The report, which is based on data collected in the 2002 round of the National Survey of Family Growth, finds that “from 1987 to 2002, the percentages of women between ages 35 and 39 who had ever cohabited doubled, from 30 percent to 61 percent. Cohabitation is increasingly becoming the first co-residential union formed among young adults.”
Such stories prove ,“Americans still love marriage” said Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist and author of “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and Family in America Today.” “They still think marriage is a first class way to live your personal life, but they are reluctant to marry until they think they have their lives in order.”
Here is a list I found that I think pretty much sums up boyfriends vs husbands.
Boyfriends love you. Husbands love you so much they knew they could never ever share, so they just had to make you their “wife” officially.
Boyfriends make promises. Husbands make them before God and everyone else you love enough to invite to your wedding.
When boyfriends have “had it up to here” they move out, take their space, or tell you they’re not sure things are working out between you. When husbands have “had it up to here” they take a walk or have a beer.
Boyfriends feel very little guilt gawking at the occasional hot chick passing by, or harmlessly flirting with a co-worker. Husbands think about it occasionally but know better than that to risk it. (Most days at least!)
Boyfriends understand that a woman’s just having “one of those days”.
Boyfriends sometimes stay out too late with the guys. Husbands know they better beat the sun in the morning.
Boyfriends love you in “those sexy heels”. Husbands love you in anything.
Boyfriends seek important advice from their friends. Husbands seek advice from their wives.
Boyfriends remember your birthday. Husbands remember that time something you said changed their life.
Boyfriends sometimes bend the rules. Husbands want to work with you to set them.
I heard a funny years ago that always makes me laugh.. "A boyfriend is an entertainment package, a husband is an operating system."
Using my own relationship as an example, before our Civil Ceremony the focus of me and husby's relationship was on an individual level. Like, I would appreciate Scott's talents, strengths and hobbies as if they were in a vacuum, for lack of a better way of putting it. After our ceremony, it was on a double-layered level, now it was our talents, strengths and hobbies as a couple.
Also, before I was attracted to him for his quirks and the things that made him him, I'm now also attracted to the way he fills his 'role' in the relationship, how he pulls his weight around the house, how he brings money in and how he helps me plan practical things like financial affairs, get togethers etc. Scott has always been a wonderful provider for us but for some reason.. its different now that we are married. He would say it's not. He would say that the years we were together before actually saying " I do " that we were married. He considered his commitment to me then just as strong and important as it is now. I respectfully disagree. I think its different now. People say that marriage is the end of freedom. They don’t necessarily use those words, but they’re constantly implying them. But being married has made me a lot more confident. There’s always this other person, who I respect a lot, pointing out how cool I am. I feel much more capable of accomplishing stuff. I also don’t ever have to worry about finding someone. Done. It wasn’t like I was actively worried about that when I was single, but it was there, always, in the back of my head. God knew the plan long before I did.. and Scott also knew the plan too. He said long before we ever started dating.. that we were going to marry.. Now that's a man with a plan.
When you marry you make a commitment and earn security with your mate. When dating there is nothing to hold you together and its like saying I can quit anytime I want. I will not quote scripture but man and woman a instructed to separate from Mother and Father and join together as one.
The longer you into a relationship the more you trust and the longer your together the stronger the love builds.
Security is the answer I would have to give for being married.Marriage is different because you have to learn to work through issues, even when you feel like running away. You also have think of your spouse’s feelings first before your own and vice versa, to keep a happy union. There is no room for being selfish, and one stupid act of deception or lies, will haunt you for a long time. Where as when you are dating, you can just break up if you are unhappy….marriage you can divorce…..but there are so many more factors to consider, children, fiances etc. Marriage comes with obligation but that obligation should come out of love. With just dating, there is no obligation of any kind.
More than anything marriage gives you legal rights that you just don't get if your not..
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Marriage allows you to file your taxes together and “married filing joint” is the highest tax bracket, which usually means a bigger return. Dating is irrelevant when filing your taxes.
Marriage, where the mother’s last name is same as her husband’s, allows your children to
automatically take on the father’s surname. Dating means you have to file for a name change and can result in a fight if the situation isn’t discussed in detail.
Marriage allows you to make decisions regarding your spouses health, such as being taken off life support or approving a particular surgery. Dating doesn’t allow you to make any decisions regardless of age and/or how long you’ve been together, if your state doesn’t recognize common law marriages. To tack on to that, obtaining a death certificate or getting money from social security or life insurance is relatively easy when you’re married. When you’re just dating, it’s almost impossible.
This is the main reason that gay and lesbian couples want to marry. They have no legal rights being just a dating couple. I won't get into a long rant about my feelings on gay marriage but I will say this.. I think if you want to marry regardless of your sexual orientation.. you should be allowed to.. Love is Love and any 2 people could make a happy marriage and life together if they choose to.
I think there are lots of differences between living with a boyfriend and a husband. Now, I totally understand that some people are very happy living together. I went through a horrible divorce. When I say horrible.. it was worse than you can imagine. Ex husband liked to cheat and was immature and I made a ton of mistakes myself. I was not in love with him even when I made the life long commitment to him. I couldn't even look him in the eye when I was saying my vows. I was embarrassed and knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was a mistake. Everyone including my own mother knew it was a mistake. After that very short marriage, I never thought I would be a person to marry again. My closest girlfriends would tell you they never expected me to marry again after all the shit I went through with the divorce.. But Scott came into my life a little later and swept me off my feet. Everyone has always asked " how do you really know, when its the right person to marry ".. Well, I don't really have a big long answer for that.. You really just have to feel it inside and pray that the person standing in front of you, feels exactly the same. Its really just having faith and above everything LOVE.
This is not a post about making the boyfriend in your life marry you. Please don't start hounding that someone special in your life to walk down the isle because of this post. It is just mearly to point out that there is in fact a difference between being married and dating. I say.. if you find someone you can't live without.. then maybe, just maybe he's the one! One more thing.. a lot of younger woman really just want the wedding. That should NEVER be the reason to marry... NEVER..
K Jaggers
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