Hello friends! Happy Sunday to you all. My family is going in a ton of different directions today. Scott just headed out to play golf and I am enjoying starting my day super slow. I didn't even fall asleep until around 5am and eventually dragging my butt out until 11am. Jackson got up about the same time. We don't start weekends in a hurry around here unless we have something going on. :) I am kinda shocked Scott is heading out to play golf in this kinda of weather. They better play fast otherwise they might just get rained on. I guess he just wanted to get out there with the boys and try to hope some spring like weather will allow them to get in 18 holes. In just a little while, Jackson and I are heading out to paint ceramics. We made some Christmas gifts last month but Jackson wanted to go back today and actually make something for himself. And I too thought it would be fun. We love painting!
So on Thursday, we got some bad news on Zane. He is mad at everyone...hates everyone and doesn't want to come here. The social worker told us she cannot move any child who feels that way. It was like being crushed. It totally changed the day and even the days following, we have been going on with broken hearts. For a while I even thought about not going to the court hearing....thinking that it would make no difference. I kinda lost faith on that Thursday that we would ever even see Zane again. I know I am an adult and he is a child. A child who has been through a lot but it just didn't make sense to me that we are not the ones who abused him but we are being punished like we did it. It really doesn't make sense to our family. All the kids don't understand it either because we know we can give him such a better life that what he has been living. It wouldn't be perfect around here but we don't abuse kids and we love him. All of us love him which again...tested my faith in everything. I prayed for weeks that he would come here. Many nights I fell asleep while praying and still thought God knew what was in my head and heart. So I didn't think it really mattered. Now I'm thinking it does.
I made was vlogging on Thursday. I planned on just putting it in Monday's DITL vlog but it was too long. I was so upset that I just talked and talked to you guys about what happened. I expressed all my feelings, right or wrong to you guys. I really think that you're a huge part of my village. For years I had made not well thought out, rash, decisions that were emotion based more than anything. So now as I get older, I still take help from my village. My family, close friends, and you guys help me now to make better decisions. I normally run all my bad ideas past you guys before I do it. This time I poured my heart out in a very honest vlog and you guys responded. You reminded me of so many things that I was forgetting in the moment. Most of all you guys told me to not give up and have faith. Not just in the system but in God and more importantly Zane. Thank you guys for that. I mean it. Reading your comments, kinda helped bring me out of so much emotion into a little more reason.
I am going to the hearing. After thinking about it, reading your comments and praying I am going. I was being selfish. I was thinking of my own pain and hurt instead of keeping my thoughts on Zane. It took a day after the initial shock to think clearly. I also need to keep my faith in God. Maybe it's less about my path and more about Zanes. Maybe we are just the collateral damage. My husband is still upset as well but we are going to go together and show Zane we will respect his wishes but also to show him that we love him. I don't think we will even get to talk to him but we are going as a family for a young family member. Its been heart breaking to say the least but its about more than the adults broken heart. I know Zane is probably really angry and scared. So thank you guys for the sweet reminders. You guys were so loving and caring and I am so thankful to each of you for reminding me what is important.
As a family we are worried about Zane and what is happening with him. However, I feel defeated and I feel hurt. But God is in control and I have to believe that he will bring us all peace. Especially Zane. All I can do at this point, is pray and hope that what is going to happen, its the right thing for everyone. God has a plan, I guess and who am I to mess with it. I just hate this entire situation and wish more than anything we all had peace of mind that our child is safe and happy. Right now he might be safe from abuse but he is not happy. Neither are we. I wish we could get him here and wrap him up in our love. Until then I am putting it in Gods hands and letting go. What is meant to be will be and there is nothing I can do about any of it. Prayers still needed. xx
