So I think if you were to ask my husband what word I used the most would not be some curse word... nope. Not I love you... nope...instead he would probably say my most used word this past week was NO. He told me I said no to him on basically everything he asked. I really had to think about that. Really... I said no that many times? I guess I did.
It was a rather hard week in terms of health and I was probably a little more grumpy than usual but I kept thinking about what I was saying no to and why. When I finally boiled it down to the very core of why... I realized that a lot of my no's were just out of fear. I am not so good with changes and instead of keeping an open mind, trusting in my husband....I just give the one response that makes it all stop. NO! Then I am sure I followed it up with something childish like... because I said no...that's why. It sure didn't help anything. I am sure on certain nights last week, it made things worse.
I am so tired of living in fear of the unknown...other people...and situations that I don't understand. Instead of having confidence, I just kinda hide. I think it was years of acting crazy in my 20's that has made me such a little hermit now. While I love being home....I feel most comfortable here, I have to know that God's plans for my life far exceed the circumstances of my day. No matter what fears or anxieties I may have, they are just a drop in the bucket of life. There is so much more. I know that...and its time I stop being so scared all the time.
I also realized that I was saying NO! to some pretty petty things. Like my husband wanting the mesh fireplace screen closed. I wanted to see the pretty fire and he wanted to keep the house from burning down. How I was really so silly to argue over a mesh screen!? That night of the " screen argument " I realized I might not be letting my husband really fully be a husband. My stubbornness has really been taking away Scott being a husband, the man of the house. I think it has to do with my own personal trust issues but something clicked in me that night, to just let him be the man. Sounds easy but I come from a family of very strong women and we normally run the show. But I think its time that I start really letting Scott feel like the head of our family. I think in doing so it will not only help him but help me too. If I learn to trust his decisions more, maybe...just maybe....little things like the fireplace screen will not be an issue. I think I have been holding on so tight thinking that the shoe is bound to drop anytime....but after close to 11 years he is still here in the fight with me day after day. For that alone he deserves respect. I clearly am still dealing with teamwork issues. I have to remember that we are more than two separate beings living under one roof. We are two pieces of one puzzle. On the whole neither of us easy to live with. But again its time to stop being so afraid and trust in his abilities as well as some of his decisions. Fear has taken over and I don't really know why. Maybe life has been that difficult that it has ripped away all trust I have in anything but its not something I want to continue to live with.Each day I hope to say No! a little less and try to remember.....
I have MADE you
and I will CARRY you.
I will SUSTAIN you
and I will RESCUE you.
Isaiah 46:4
Isaiah 46:4
God understands what I am feeling and he will guide me if I am still enough to let him... to trust him and not fear his plan for my life. Each day is a new lesson...a new chance to do things better. Maybe tomorrow I won't be as afraid. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed day.
Stay tuned for my weekly food shopping haul coming up later today! :)
