Married Life - MARRIED LIFE WITH SOCIAL MEDIA -

  

So today for this Married Life Post, I want to talk to you a little bit about Social Media and what it can do to your marriage.. Some of these statistics are pretty scary. I love social media.. You guys know that.. but lets look at it a little more in depth.

 Opportunity is a key predictor of infidelity, and social media have increased opportunity exponentially. Does something remind you of an old flame? You can reconnect in the few seconds it takes to type the person's name into Facebook.

Everyone has a Facebook account these days. In fact, my mom's dog has his own account (although his updates are sadly lackluster). But along with learning who recently ate a burrito for lunch, it turns out that Facebook and other social networking sites are being named as cause for ruining many marriages.

According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, Facebook use is now cited in one in five of every US divorce cases. Over 80 percent of divorce lawyers claim that the rising use of social media has become the catalyst for extramarital affairs.

But really does Facebook cause divorce?

The thrill of being acquainted with old friends can be enough of a turn-on to spark casual conversations. Those personal conversations, between two emotionally available people, can lead to a deepened sense of intimacy which can lead to actual physical contact.

It's highly unlikely that a harmless Facebook poke is given with the idea of conducting an extramarital affair. It's more likely that these people, some of whom have previously dated, are interested in catching up on old times, and these personal interactions can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.

These connections can easily turn sexual and suggestive, as online connections have a way of becoming more personal and emotional more quickly. If your personal partnership is no longer fulfilling you, it's easy to turn to people who "knew you way back when" and establish a new connection, rather than facing marital problems.

It's incredibly simple for online media to become a safe haven to hide from actual, real-life problems. Which is precisely what Facebook offers you. Where else can you easily reconnect with someone with whom you haven't spoken in 20 years? How much easier does it feel to type words into a keyboard rather than say to your partner, "I'm having a problem with our relationship."

The answer is, of course, MUCH EASIER

Facebook, of course, doesn't cause divorce, but it certainly makes it easier.

You can destroy your marriage on the Internet. And social networking is making it easier than ever to fall into traps that can have you flirting with exes, meeting new people to whom you may be attracted, and having emotional or even physical affairs. Does this mean you should cancel your Facebook and Twitter accounts? No. There are some benefits to them – from promoting your work and finding jobs to keeping in touch with Uncle Pete and your best friend from college. Or as I do.. promote this blog on those social forums.

Facebook has become hugely popular in the past few years. Scott and I both love being able to catch up with old friends and family on Facebook. But with anything that comes along, there can also be dangers and problems if not used responsibly. Sometimes Facebook and other online communities can cause problems in marriages if some rules aren’t followed.

One marriage counselor said this, “Over the course of the last three or four years, I have seen the growth of social networking technologies paralleled by a growth of poor decisions and crossed boundaries by Christians who should know better. I have sat across from many who have entered into emotional and/or physical extra-marital affairs through social media. In fact, lawyers are saying that now, one in five divorce petitions they’re processing cite Facebook as either the way petitioners find out about their partner’s infidelity, and/or how their partner began or pursued extra-marital relationships.

So here are a few things to remember when using a social network while you are in a committed relationship.

Don’t spend more time on Facebook than you should. How much time is that? It depends on what your spouse says. Communicate with your spouse and ask them, “Am I spending too much time online?” You want to make sure your spouse is your number 1 relationship, not your buddies on Facebook.  Don’t Facebook during “couple” time (ie. When your wife asks you to watch a movie with her, do you Facebook through it? Or don’t facebook every night instead of going to bed with your husband.).

NEVER hide things from your spouse on Facebook. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a 1000 more times, openness and honestly is the glue of your marriage. When you start hiding friendships, conversations, chat sessions and comments from your spouse, THAT IS UNHEALTHY. If you’re not allowing your spouse to know what you’re doing on Facebook or online, that’s a sign that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Cheating on your spouse online is JUST AS WRONG as physically cheating on your spouse. If you’re doing it … STOP IT!

Share your Facebook password with your spouse Scott knows every account to every email address I have. Why would I want to do that? It’s called trust, and it’s also called accountability. Knowing my husband can open my laptop at anytime and read anything I’m doing, or see any place I’ve gone, keeps me accountable. 9 times out of 10 I don’t even sign out of Facebook, so I know when Scott gets on the computer he can see anything he wants. It’s very healthy. Don’t hide things from your spouse. Make sure you regularly tell them, “You are welcome to see what I’m doing anytime.”

NEVER EVER EVER befriend anyone of the opposite sex that your spouse is uncomfortable with. SERIOUSLY, befriending an old boyfriend or girlfriend should NEVER be done without fully discussing it with your spouse. AND, if they are even in the slightest way uncomfortable with you befriending anyone of the opposite sex … don’t do it. Don’t search for old boyfriends and girlfriends. Simple communication with your spouse about this is best.

Defriend anyone who crosses normal boundaries. If someone is saying things, doing things or asking questions online that make you uncomfortable OR would make you uncomfortable in person, then that’s not a good sign. Listen to the little voice in your head. If something tells you “this isn’t right,” then it’s probably not. Never be ashamed or afraid to defriend someone that may have ulterior motives. You marriage relationship is your #1 concern, not the feelings of an old Jr. High flame.

If you’re married, PROUDLY set your “Relationship Status” to married. Seriously … proudly shout to the world … I AM MARRIED! I wish there was a “Happily Married” status or for that matter, or an “I’m madly in love with my incredibly gorgeous husband.” I’d change my status to that in a heartbeat. 

Post pictures of you and your spouse on your Facebook, OR use a “couple” picture as your profile picture.You are a married person and your pictures , should reflect your commitment. You shouldn't have " sexy " pictures for others when you are married. Scott would kill me if I posted a provoctive picture of myself on any social media outlet. I see it all the time. I have tons of friends who are in committed relationships posting pictures of themselves that are totally inapproriate. Think before you start uploading those kind of pictures. Not only are they totally unhealthy for your marriage but if they are online... anyone can get them...ANYONE. Sure you might later delete them, but who knows.. how many people have already saved those pictures and putting them where they want.

Don’t be afraid to proclaim your love for your spouse on Facebook. Someone of the opposite sex won’t question your love for your spouse if you occasionally brag on your spouse on your Facebook status. It’s one of the healthiest things you can do … to brag on your spouse, and doing it in public conveys your love for your spouse to the world. It doesn’t bother me one drop to tell the world just how much I love my husband.

NEVER use your status to complain about my spouse. Not smart! Facebook is not for you to air your grievances to the world about your spouse.Never write or share photos that you would not want your husband or wife to see or that would make him or her uncomfortable. You can be more casual on social networking sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, than you would be on a professional site or in an office e-mail. But you still should consider your spouse’s feelings. Maintaining a more reserved and professional presence online can help your career and overall reputation, too. There have been times I have put on facebook that " I would love to ring my husby's neck ".  However, if husby and I are having a serious arguement.. you won't ever see anything about it on any social network. Its just not right. I also have lots of friends who really say some things they shouldn't such as.. - I want a divorce - or - I think he is cheating on me -. How can that help anything???

Think before you type. Don’t make comments on statuses and pictures of other people that come across as suggestive. Men, THINK how it’s going to look before you click “like” on some girls picture that was taken at a swimming pool. Wives, think before you praise another man on Facebook more than you would your husband.On Facebook and Twitter, there’s a temptation to document every moment of your day. But make sure to leave private, intimate moments to the memory bank inside your head or inside a private journal that only you will read. Some moments, such as the wild sex you just had with your husband or the terrible fight you just had with your wife, are not meant to be broadcast for all the world to see.

Don’t poke your friends.Married people probably should not be poking anyone other than their husband or wife. Many Facebook fans poke their friends with virtual hugs and kisses or gifts. Sending your best pal a virtual cupcake on his or her birthday seems harmless enough, but poking your high school boyfriend probably won’t sit well with your husband. If you don’t want to eliminate the poking all together, then you can just use common sense about what kind of poking is appropriate for a married person. Poking your sister with a hug is all right. Poking the hot fireman from down the street with a smooch is not.

No matter how many friends you have on Facebook, remember that your #1 friend should be your spouse. Strive to better that relationship on a daily basis. Work 1000 times harder to grow in your relationship than you do at finding friends on Facebook. NEVER take your relationship with your spouse for granted. THE LAST THING YOU WANT is 1000 Facebook friends, while the love between you and your best friend slowly dies out.

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- I found this article and thought it was GREAT and figured it would be good to include on today's Married Life Post -

The social media age we live in is revolutionizing how we do relationships…including that transition point between singlehood and marriage. Having experienced and studied (and now write and speak) on how social media affects marriages and relationships, we’ve come up with six Facebooking do’s and don’ts for engaged couples.

Do #1: Dump Some Friends – The conversation about past exes being Facebook Friends is a discussion couples will have before or after the “I do’s”. It is just a matter of time and circumstances. Our advice is built upon millions of heartbreaking stories about forsaken spouses and regretful husbands and wives who strayed: Unfriend or Block any Facebook Friends who could possibly be a threat to your future marriage. This includes ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, everyone you have ever hooked up, anyone you wished you had hooked up with, and anybody you’ve had an unshakeable crush on. If a Facebook Friend has even a remote risk to your marriage, it’s not an online association worth keeping.

Do #2: Clean Up Your Profile – Look at your engagement ring. Now look at your Wall. Look at your ring. Now look at the Pages and Groups you’ve joined. You will soon become someone’s spouse, merging your family tree with someone else’s family tree, and inheriting (for better or worse) a whole family of in-laws. While it’s YOUR Profile, it is public to ANYONE and EVERYONE in your new family to access, read and form opinions about you. Avoid some unnecessary family (in-law) drama. Review your Profile in light of this major life transition you’re making. Make sure your Facebook Profile reflects who you are becoming rather than who you have been.   

Do #3: Purge Your Pictures – Pictures may be worth a thousand words, but some pictures posted on Facebook may end up taking ten thousand words to try to explain away. Be proactive. Go through your Facebook Albums and remove or untag yourself from photos that your future spouse, future in-laws or future kids won’t like (and we don’t mean the Like function here). The types of pics we’re talking about are photos with old boyfriends/girlfriends, incriminating partying pictures, old wedding photos from a prior marriage or any shameful moments captured digitally. Marriage changes things. And that may mean removing visual remembrances of your past for the sake of your future.

Don’t # 4: Don’t Forget that Your Profile is Still About You – Your new hobby in preparing for “We”-ness may be all consuming to you and your fiancé, but your Facebook Friends still want to know about YOU. Posts about what the two of you are doing are fine from time-to-time, but your Status Updates and Comments should be from YOU, not US. If you end up creating a new Profile as a couple, then using the plural pronouns of “we,” “us,” or “our” are appropriate. Until then, remember to keep using me” and “I” in your Status Updates.

Don’t #5: Don’t Overdo It with Wedding Planning Details – One of the biggest complaints made by friends and family members about soon-to-be-brides is that they get annoyed by all the wedding talk. This was even before the advent of Facebook. Just because you can post every exciting and mundane detail of your wedding planning experience through a 24/7/365 social network, doesn’t mean you should. Otherwise, even the groom-to-be may be tempted to hit the Hide button on your Updates.

Don’t #6: Don’t Forget Who Sees Your Posts – Planning and coordinating all the details surrounding your wedding day is an emotionally-draining, physically-demanding, financially-stressful, relationship-straining experience. Add to that the spoken and unspoken expectations of not one, but two (or more) sets of parents… and you will have numerous situations where you are ready to explode! The temptation is to rant in a Status Update attempting to receive emotional comfort and forced sympathy from your Facebook Friends. DON’T! More than likely, the sources of your frustration (including your fiancé, parents, future in-laws, both sides of the wedding party, ring bearers mom, flower girls dad, and wedding guests) will read it and someone will likely react. All of a sudden, you are starring in your own episode of Bridezilla. Find a confidant you can call or visit for a face-time rant session that leaves no digital evidence of your tirades.

Don’t# 7 Don't invite or accept invitations of people that may affect your mental or emotional peace: past lovers, enemies, coworkers, anyone that left your life in a bad manner if it’s not to work in your favor, forgive, forget and move on.

Don't # 8 Don’t rely on the privacy of your social page settings, this can always be “hacked”, or information may always leak one way or another, if there is something you might not want some people to know, like an ex in your friend list, pictures or applications: DON’T POST THEM.

Be honest with your partner about your page, and have the maturity to allow them the necessary space to tell you about their page, remember it always cuts both ways. If you are allowed to have ex lovers among your list, so does your partner and as you demand trust, so you must give it too

Be clear about what you want to achieve with your social networking page, fun, meeting people, networking among others; and be clear of the consequences of your purpose.

Joining a social network creates all kinds of questions for people, especially if they’re married. The news stories of Facebook-related promiscuity, affairs and divorces have been widespread and create concern.

As a result, some married Facebookers blindly jump into the online community without any set boundaries. Others tip-toe into the shallow end of the social network but don’t get very far. And others avoid Facebook altogether.

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A recent Globe and Mail article entitled, “Thou shalt not Facebook, says Reverend” details the New Jersey’s Reverend’s reasons for such radical measures. Rev. Miller state that of the 1,100 couples who belong to the Church, over 20 of them have faced marital problems in the last 6 months because his or her spouse reconnected with a past lover through the social networking website. However, he has not ordered that his followers delete their Facebook accounts although, he strongly encourages it, but he has advised everyone to share their login information with their spouse so that there is open access to each other’s accounts. He also claims that when reconnecting with an old flame, the temptation to have conversation or arrange and physical meeting is just too great.

While the Reverend’s intentions are pure and it has been proven in many different studies that Facebook causes stress and tension in a relationship, isn’t this new mandate a total invasion of privacy? The answer is simply yes. By ordering his officials and encouraging the congregation to share their login information with their spouses he is asking that individuals give up their rights to privacy and allow their partners to have full access to confidential information. One can argue that its not a problem because there shouldn’t be anything to hide. But the counter-argument in that situation is that if you are in a strong and committed relationship then there should be trust. So, if a relationship cannot withstand the pressures and added stresses of Facebook, then maybe it’s not Facebook itself that is the issue: it’s the couple.

Whether or not you agree with the Reverend’s stance on Facebook amongst married couples, the fact of the matter is that Facebook is intended to for individual users.

What kinda gets me is why are there not family facebook pages out there? In my household, I am the one with the facebook page, twitter acct and blog. However, husby is on my facebook page a lot. He is on there checking on his kids, his family, and we basically share my page. I am totally totally happy that my husband has no social media accounts. He has email and that's it.. and that's more than enough for him. He doesn't really like the idea of the world knowing what he is doing. However, he has become a driving force behind this blog. He is supportive and I think he actually likes that our lives is documented in this way. At first, he was not as trusting when I started it.. But as time went on, and he saw what I was writing.. he opened up to it. I was very careful to not go too fast, too hard, to push him to accept that I like blogging. It was a slow process. But now, husby is great about it. There have been so many times, he has wanted to see something that I have posted in the past, and searches the blog for it. He does it all the time.. and its funny because he called last week asking about a post from when we were on a cruise. I told him I would look, but before I had the chance.. he had searched and found it himself.



Social media is a big part of my life.. I do love facebook. I like twitter and I love youtube. But on all those accounts the biggest loves of my life are real clear. Scott and I have never had a problem with social networking. There have been a few post on here that he has asked me to take down. A good exzample would be.. when I was upset about my father and ex husband cutting my daughters hair off. I hate to even talk about it now because it was so upsetting to me. Well, in my anger, I wrote about how upset I was. Well, after he recieved some calls about that post, he was very kind in asking me to take it down. He didn't demand it.. he asked..and of course I removed it. But its very rare that he ever asks me to remove any post on here. So when he does, I listen.



I think its super important to listen to your spouse when it comes to social media. They are who you are going to be spending your life with so it might be wise to think first when it comes to



Have a great evening!

K Jaggers
♥