MARRIED LIFE.. Handling a Fight..

Its very normal for married couples to fight and argue. I don't think you would be human if you did not have the occasional fight in your relationship. Scott and I don't tend to fight a lot.. we fought more in the beginning than we ever do now.. but there are still times that we just don't see eye to eye. This weeks marriage post was going to be something different but I feel that using my friends life as an example might not be so kind right now.. so I will save that one for another week. So this is going to be Post 1 of fighting. There are so many things to talk about with this topic.. I just don't think I am going to get everything I want to say in one post. I don't think I will do post 2 next week but I will continue it with other post in the future.

Ok.. on to fighting...

10 years ago this post would have been totally different but with time, age, and experience, and MARRIAGE my views have changed on how to cope with a fight. This doesn't just apply to your spouse but it also applys to the rest of the people in your life. You have to learn to fight fair if you want to strengthen your marriage through a argument instead of hurt it. What I mean is first off..

KEEP IT PRIVATE..

I remember a person telling me a looong time ago, never say anything bad about your spouse to anyone. I don't know if I agree with this or not. I personally don't think its realistic because even though you might live with prince charming.. as I do.. he is not always so charming.. But when you are fighting.. it should be private. It shouldn't be in front of the kids ( it will change who they are  if they see you fighting all the time).. You shouldn't be calling your family in the middle of the fight.. and you should have enough control within yourself to keep it together until you are in a private place where neither of you are going to feel uncomfortable. Scott doesn't mind getting upset in public.. I do.. and there is no way I would stand in a public place and fight with him. Before, in my 20's.. I would fight anywhere.. and you see where my first marriage ended up at. So keep it between yourselves. I don't mean that you can't call your mom or best friend up and talk about it.. but not till after things have really cooled off.

STAY ON TOPIC

How many of you guys have been upset about one thing but the argument goes on to other topics. Say your bitching about how messy he is and then you throw in how he treats your mother. Staying on topic is really really something I figured out a while ago. It works to keep the fight from becoming bigger than it should. Its not a opportunity to complain about everything.. just what you are upset about. When I learned this.. my fighting skills changed; really changed. I think this one is big. When your mad its so easy to get carried away with all the little stuff that has been bothering you but if you set boundaries you will have better chances of fixing the problem otherwise its going to be bitching over load and no one is going to focus on the main problem; when they have all kinds of complaints flying in about everything. If you want change.. you have to be specific..

FIND THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

When you are fighting about something.. you need to try your hardest to get to the root of the problem.. not just the symptom's. Symptoms are just little things that show up in our daily lives.. the root of the problem is what your goal should be not worrying about all the symptoms. For example.. if say, your husband is grumpy when he comes home from work and not communicating.. the problem isn't just those little symptoms. Maybe he is having a really hard time at work. Maybe he is worried about bills... Maybe he just hasn't been sleeping good and needs rest.. Focus on the main problem.. boil it down past the symptoms and you will have better success at solving the problem.

DON'T JUST INTENTIONALLY HURT YOUR SPOUSE.

I am totally guilty of this one myself. How many times have you had a fight with your significant other and called them a name or really just said something to hurt them on purpose. We all have but when you avoid tearing apart your spouses character, you both will be able to walk away without feeling terrible. Remember when you are hurting someone personally.. you will never win the fight.. It might feel like you have but really what have you accomplished? Tearing them down.. hurting them more.. this is some one you vowed to love.. not hurt.

SET GOALS WITH YOUR FIGHTING..

I remember reading a book years ago that said this.. That just doesn't sound right does it?? It didn't to me when I first read it. It said...  If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it. Wow.. how true is that? Its not always easy to think clearly in a fight... sometimes you don't have a goal in mind.. you just want him to nicer.  Well that's the goal.. Most of the time for me.. the goal with fighting is getting him to understand what I am thinking and feeling. I am lucky that I have a husband who gets things pretty fast. If I am upset about something he changes it pretty fast. But if you are fighting over anything serious.. you should think it out..get a plan together and then bring it to their attention. You will get more this way than just flying off the handle with it.

TAKE A BREAK

After you have said what you need to say, I think its important to take a walk, go in the other room, get away and allow your spouse the same opportunity to leave with a little dignity. I know tons and tons of married couples advice is ~ Never go to bed angry ~ but to be very honest with you guys.. Scott and I have went to bed upset a lot of times. From all the stuff I have heard, I had the idea that it was wrong to go to bed mad.. but its worked out well for us most times. Because when we get a good nights rest, we are much clearer in the am and things have always seemed less severe the next day. So I say.. if you need to.. go to bed angry..take a few Ambien or Advil PM go to sleep!  A fresh day brings fresh thoughts and new outlooks. Sometimes a walk will do it.. sometimes having a drink with friends helps but understand what I am saying. I don't mean leave in the middle of the argument and just walk out. I think dealing with the problem, speaking clearly with love and compassion first and then cooling off. I do know that this is not always the case.. sometimes its so bad that you have to get out asap and if that happens.. go ahead but I think you should try to talk first.

PICK YOUR BATTLES

I think its important to remember that not every fight is worth fighting about. I mean you married this person so you have the rest of your lives to figure things out. I know not all of you reading this are married and it still applies to you too. Not every argument is the end all. You don't have to get so upset over the little things. My husband is one of the messiest men on the planet.. He is not organized at all. For the first few years of us being together is was a constant struggle to deal with those issues of his. Just because you have the right to be angry doesn't mean you have to. You can choose to just let it go or figure out easy ways to deal with it. I don't worry so much about the " perfect " home anymore. He doesn't care that its spotless. It use to really bother the shit out of me but I have learned that just letting it go and not working so hard at keeping it all perfect. He would come home, start undressing basically at the front door. I would find his tie in one spot.. his shoes in another.. his pants hanging over a kitchen chair and I would constantly run behind him and clean it up. But that would really upset me because I didn't think the cared about the work I put in for him to have a really nice home. In reality he just isn't as organized as I am. He wasn't trying to hurt my feelings.. instead he was just trying to get comfortable. So really think about what your fighting about.. I don't think half the things that I was fighting about in the beginning matter now.

LET IT GO..

A fight isn't suppose to last forever. Sometimes they do carry into the next day but who really wants that? If its something minor then let it go. I am not talking about infidelity, drugs, physical abuse.. just a plain old married life fight. The longer you fight the longer it is to get things feeling normal again. For me.. how bad the fight is, depends how long I stay upset. I think that's the same for everyone. If you can.. stop it before it just takes more happy days away from you both. I remember Dr. Phil saying a long time ago..

" Do you want to have peace, or do you want to be right? "

Think about that.. I think a lot of us just want to be right in the fight. Sometimes its just better to give it up so you can get back to a peaceful relationship. Fighting can make people physically sick. Who wants to live like that.. so when you have the chance to end the fight.. do it. I promise you.. its worth it.

and last but not least..

LOVE

As I have said in other post.. your spouse is not your emeny. They are who YOU picked and who YOU fell in love with.. and even in a fight.. they need to feel loved. Its important that you remember why you are with them even during a fight. I actually think this is one of the biggest things to focus on in a fight. A lot of time people are fighting over kids, money, work, and that's not the core of the relationship. The core is the love. And if you don't fight fair.. if you name call.. if you don't listen, and you personally attack them, they won't feel loved. I don't care how mad I get at Scott, he knows that even in my anger I love him. I think one of the worst things that can happen from a fight is one being really mean, the other not feeling loved at all, and walking out.. those are the nights when something serious can happen. You don't want your spouse walking away feeling unappreciated and unloved.

So what if he/she is fighting with you.. and you are not being treated right in the fight.. you have 2 options.. and only 2.. you can fight back the same way they are treating you or you can handle yourself with respect and dignity. I am not writing post about stuff like ~ How to change him ~ because it starts and ends with you. You can't control how someone else is going to act or respond.. you can only control yourself.

I don't always follow every one of the rules above when I am upset. However, I do try and every argument is a chance to do it better. I don't know about you.. but I want to keep my marriage together and constant fighting won't allow that to happen. I sometimes find leaving a note for the morning is a way in my home, to let him know that he upset me for whatever reason.. I am asleep while he is reading it so there is a small chance of a big fight happening and there isn't a chance to really say a lot of things that would be hurtful. Then when I do wake up, we speak and its normally worked out pretty fast that way. My relationship with my husband is far from perfect. We fight like every other couple. I mess up at times as does he but what matters most is that we come back together. Its rare when we both are really angry. When that happens, its best to just get through it as fast as possible. Its never comfortable fighting with someone you love. Never. If you are the reason for the fight.. ask for forgiveness and try to take responsibility for YOUR PART.

Now.. I also want to say that while its best to handle yourself with respect and dignity.. its not near as important if you are fighting with someone other than your spouse. I think its more mature to handle a fight with someone else in a better way.. sometimes that's just not going to happen. I have an ex husband I can't stand. He can't stand me either and being I don't have to be in the same house as he is, I can get away with saying a little more. But when its someone you are living with and committed to.. its definitely different and should be handled with more tender loving care!

xoxo

K Jaggers

As I said.. there will be other Married Life Post that will deal with the various fighting topics.. so come back!! We are just getting started on all this marriage stuff!