GETTING BACK TO NORMAL...

WELL TODAY WAS ABOUT AS NON PRODUCTIVE AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN. SUNDAY WE STARTED OUT PRETTY LAZY.. I GOT A LOT DONE AROUND THE HOUSE AND THEN WE HAD A FRIEND COME OVER AND WE ENDED UP HANGING OUT WELL INTO THE LATE NIGHT. UGH...WE ARE GETTING TOO OLD TO PULL ALL NIGHTERS ANYMORE. AT SOME LATE HOUR SCOTT FINALLY WENT UPSTAIRS FELL ASLEEP WHILE I LAID ON THE COUCH TOSSING AND TURNING. THEN A BIT LATER HE CAME DOWNSTAIRS ONLY TO FALL ASLEEP ON THE THE LOVE SEAT. IT WEIRD SEEING SUCH A TALL MAN ALL LAID UP ON A LOVE SEAT. BUT HE SLEPT THERE FOR A FEW HRS. SO I GUESS HE WAS COMFORTABLE.

THAT LATE NIGHT CAUSED ME TO SLEEP IN EXTRA LATE TODAY. SCOTT HAD A DR APT AND THEN HEADED INTO WORK AFTER AND HE DIDN'T EITHER BOTHER CALLING TO WAKE ME UP.. I GUESS HE KNEW HOW TIRED I WOULD BE. IT WAS DINNER TIME BEFORE I GOT IN THE SHOWER AND STARTED THE DAY. IT WAS RAINY AND COLD ALL DAY SO IT WAS GREAT FOR SLEEPING IN. LIKE A DUMB ASS I HAD THE GAS TURNED OFF BEING WE ARE MOVING IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND ITS LATE SPRING, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FINE. WELL THE HOUSE WAS FREEZING THIS MORNING. SO I HAD TO RUN OUT TO GET KEROSENE TO PUT IN OUR BIG HEATER TO WARM THIS PLACE UP. NOT ONLY DID IT WARM THE HOUSE UP, IT ALSO WARMED UP THE BACK OF MY CALF. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING BUT FOR SOME REASON I DECIDED TO TRY TO PUT MY FEET ON TOP OF THE HEATER AND IT BURNT ME..ITS BURNING LIKE HELL RIGHT NOW. I KEEP SPRAYING LANACANE BURN SPRAY ON IT HOPING THAT THE STING WILL GO AWAY.

TO TOP THINGS OFF...I LOST ONE OF MY VERY IMPORTANT RINGS AROUND THE HOUSE SOME WHERE. I HAD A FEW RINGS ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND ONE IS GONE. I THOUGHT THE CAT KNOCKED IT OFF AND THAT IT IS ON THE FLOOR SOME WHERE BUT I LOOKED ALL AROUND A FEW MINUTES AGO AND I DIDN'T SEE IT. ITS REALLY BOTHERING ME. I RARELY LOOSE THINGS AND TO LOOSE A IMPORTANT RING REALLY BOTHERS ME. I AM GOING TO PRAY ABOUT IT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AND HOPEFULLY WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW I WILL FIND IT OR REALIZE WHERE I PUT IT. A LOT OF TIMES WHEN SOMETHING IS MISSING OR WHEN I NEED SOMETHING, I SIMPLY ASK GOD FOR A FAVOR. AND THIS TIME I REALLY REALLY NEED THAT FAVOR.

ANOTHER POINT OF CONCERN FOR ME TODAY IS SOMETHING MY GRANDMOTHER SAID TO ME..SHE WAS INVITED OUT TO DINNER WITH ONE OF HER KIDS AND SHE REFUSED TO GO.. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. SHE LIKES TO GO OUT TO EAT, AND I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO. FINALLY AFTER ASKING HER OVER AND OVER WHAT WAS GOING ON SHE FINALLY TOLD ME THAT SHE IS HAVING TROUBLE FEEDING HERSELF ANYMORE. TALK ABOUT BREAKING MY HEART. I GUESS SHE SHAKES A LOT AND ITS HARD TO KEEP FOOD ON HER FORK. I TOLD HER TO TRY TO USE A SPOON MORE BUT SHE SAID ITS HARD EVEN ON A SPOON. ITS TERRIBLE WATCHING SOMEONE YOU LOVE AGE. SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS FINE UNTIL SHE TURNED 70 YRS OLD. THEN SHE REALLY STARTED TO HAVE PROBLEMS. I DON'T KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO HANDLE SOME DAY SOMETHING HAPPENING TO HER. ITS NO SECRET I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION. ONE OF THE KEY FACTORS IN MY DEPRESSION IS DEALING WITH LOSS. I MISS SO MANY WHO ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE THAT SOME DAYS ARE JUST UNBEARABLE. I JUST DON'T DEAL WITH GRIEF. IT ROCKS ME AT MY CORE. AND ONE DAY I WILL LOOSE MY GRANDMOTHER, ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS AND IT WILL TEAR MY HEART OUT. IT JUST IS SO HARD KNOWING SHE IS HAVING ALL THESE PROBLEMS AND SHE LIVES ALONE. I PERSONALLY THINK THAT IT MIGHT BE TIME THAT SHE LIVES IN SOME KIND OF ASSISTED LIVING COMMUNITY. I DOUBT THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN. IT WORRIES ME HER LIVING ALONE. NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT...EXCEPT WORRY.

SPEAKING OF DEPRESSION, I HAVE AN APT WITH A NEW THERAPIST TOMORROW. I DON'T KNOW IF IT WILL HELP BUT I AM WILLING TO TRY. I STARTED OUT SEEKING OUT SOMEONE TO TALK TO RE MY MOTHER BUT THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE I REALIZE THAT MY ISSUES ARE NOT JUST WITH MY MOTHER..SHE IS A BIG PART BUT THERE ARE MANY OTHER THINGS THAT BOTHER ME. HOW EVER, THE DAY WILL COME WHEN I LOOK HER IN THE EYES AND ASK HER WHAT MAKES ME DISPOSABLE TO HER. I WANT THAT QUESTION ANSWERED. I THINK SHE THINKS, THAT AS TIME GOES BY, THINGS WILL COOL DOWN AND GET BETTER. I DON'T THINK SHE COULD BE MORE WRONG. I AM MADDER THAN HELL AT HER. I HAVEN'T FORGOT WHAT SHE HAS SAID TO ME OR HOW SHE HAS TREATED ME. EACH DAY THAT PASSES WITHOUT AN APOLOGY OR A CONVERSATION RE THE PAST EVENTS JUST DIGS THE KNIFE IN DEEPER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER WAS THINKING HAVING CHILDREN..SHE SHOULD HAVE RAISED SNAKES INSTEAD..I BET SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE LOYAL TO THEM THAT WHAT SHE IS TO ME. SHE IS SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME. IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART. BUT..I AM LEARNING MANY LESSONS FROM THIS AND IT WILL MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON IN THE END.

I GUESS I AM SOUNDING A LITTLE NEGATIVE TONIGHT. I AM NOT SITTING HERE MAD OR ANYTHING! JUST LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND..HOPEFULLY THAT THERAPIST WILL HELP IN SOME WAY..SCOTT HAS BEEN MY THERAPIST FOR YEARS AND HE HAS ALWAYS LISTENED BUT HE HAS A LOT OF THINGS ON HIS MIND TOO. HE ALSO HAS A FATHER WHO IS ILL, HAS A LOT AT WORK HE IS DEALING WITH, AND HAS A LOT OF HIS OWN STRESS WITHOUT ME ADDING TO IT. I WANT TO KEEP THINGS AS HAPPY AND AS CALM FOR HIM AS I CAN AND LOADING HIM UP WITH ALL MY VARIOUS FEELINGS IS JUST NOT RIGHT TO DO.

I HAVE A FEW APTS TOMORROW. AT LEAST THAT WILL HELP ME GET MOVING A LITTLE EARLIER TOMORROW. I AM ALSO GOING TO BE ON THE HUNT FOR BOXES TOMORROW. GOT LOTS TO PACK UP. ITS GOING TO BE A HUGE JOB TO MOVE. I CANT BELIEVE IN 2 WEEKS WE ARE GOING TO BE IN THE NEW HOUSE. I AM PRETTY EXCITED AND I AM READY TO GO!!

WELL I AM OFF TO BED SOON. HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT MONDAY!

TALK TO YOU SOON.

K JAGGERS

♥